Dear Frankie,
Nothing you’ve ever done is naughty.
Let me repeat that.
Nothing you’ve ever done is naughty.
The reason I know this is because I know for a fact that children aren’t naughty.
How do I know this as fact?
The answer is because all children are born innocent. I’ve always been interested in how they individually develop and learn to communicate effectively.
You are growing every minute and you are learning to navigate your way around this planet just like grown ups do.
A child is no different.
Sometimes our behaviours are unacceptable however. They can hurt ourselves and others.
Age does not factor in this, wisdom does.
There is always a reason behind every action.
There are no excuses for ‘bad behaviour’ only reasons.
So what is bad behaviour? Is it something a ‘bad’ person does? Can a person be bad in the first place?
Can a baby be born bad?
Does it grow up to do bad things and become a bad grown up or is something else going on?
Labelling a child is wrong, while it’s growing and developing, it’s constantly changing. It is being shaped, influenced and imprinted on, the minute it is born.
It is a blank canvas, a dry sponge, an empty shelf, sounds bleak to describe a baby in this way but what’s exciting is that each baby is born with the potential to become a great human being who can achieve greatness in many different areas of life.
Let’s look at where a child might be labelled ‘naughty.’
Children who use swear words in their dialogue have learned these words from within their environment. They’ve heard them used by the people around them and have repeated them, in and out of context.
Children who swear are not naughty. Their behaviour is copied from someone else but is still unacceptable.
Children who fight have either been shown how to or have fine tuned their skills of self preservation whilst feeling highly stressed and under threat.
Children who fight are not naughty. Their violent outbursts are reactive but still unacceptable behaviour.
Children are not born ‘bad’ nor are they born ‘naughty.’
If we label a child’s behaviour as ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’ we are more likely to reinforce that behaviour and encourage a child to self identify therefore believing they are a bad person who does bad things.
They will believe, that’s just who they are, because that’s what they’ve been told they are.
Bad, naughty.
This is wrong, very very wrong.
Like grown ups, children are constantly learning to regulate their emotions in a safe and healthy way.
This is a life long practice.
I’m entering my fifties this year and I still work hard at regulating my emotions and modifying and trying to improve my behaviour.
Children are just newer to this self practice, that’s all.
I am here to guide you Frankie, not punish you.
I am here to help you learn how to make ‘good’ life choices around health and friendships, not criticise and condemn you.
I am here throughout your journey to refer back to, to run things by me and check your decision making is safe and healthy.
If you make a mistake Frankie, it’s completely normal. It’s how we learn as human beings. We take risks, push boundaries, challenge ideas. Be prepared to apologise if your actions have caused another person upset and try your very best not to repeat it.
Learn from your mistakes, let them empower you and bring about improvements and positive changes.
You are no longer a blank canvas, a dry sponge, an empty shelf.
You are already an incredible 12 year old girl and capable of individual greatness.
The same as everyone else in this world, we are all capable of greatness.
Forever yours,
Mum x