Dear Frankie,

It’s been almost ten weeks in lockdown together and when I say together, I mean we have been inseparable haven’t we?

It’s not been easy for both of us though has it?

It’s not all been fun and games, it’s challenging and difficult at times, it’s testing for us both.

A 46 year old woman and a nine year old girl, in the same space, every day consecutively for almost 3 months?

Is that normal?

It’s certainly a first for us, a record in fact.

We’ve never spent this much time together, ever, even when you were a baby, not every single day, every hour, every minute.

Sometimes I would go out with my friends for dinner or watch a movie perhaps and you would have a babysitter or Nana would come and visit.

Most days, I would be at work and you would be at school.

That was ‘normal’ wasn’t it?

Residentials, Brownies, Birthday Parties, Excursions, Days Out, Sleepovers with your friends, this was your norm.

I had business meetings, met friends for coffee, booked mini breaks, spa days, hair appointments and took your Mum out on ‘Date Night,’ this was the norm for me.

We had a healthy balance, a calendar of events, things to plan and look forward to together and by ourselves. 

We had our own space, time and freedom to grow as individuals.

I was being 46 and you were being 9, seperately together.

And then all of a sudden, one day, out of the blue our worlds collided in a way I didn’t even know was possible.

We somehow merged and became one.

Some days it’s wonderful but I’m sure you’ll agree, some days it’s really not.

Neither one of us really want to merge. 

We both like our individuality and autonomy, we share our time and enjoy one another’s company but this lockdown lark is different isn’t it?

Very different.

No usual routine, no timeframe, no consistency, no plans, no future, just now.

In the moment, here at home every day for the foreseeable few months.

I’m 46 so it’s my job to do what I think is right for both of us.

You’re 9 and it’s your job to believe in me when I say I’m trying to do my best.

I miss my old best though.

I was pretty awesome wasn’t I at times? I thought I had this parenting stuff down to a tee most days, but basically I’ve realised it’s you that makes my job so easy.

You really do my love.

I know my ‘new best’ isn’t as good as my ‘old best’ but I want you to know I’m trying and I’m developing a new and ‘improved best’ every lockdown day we cross off the calendar. 

I’m sorry for those days when I’m really disorganised, grumpy, quiet, frustrated and teary.

I know it must be confusing when you’re only 9.

Thank you for your patience, your understanding, your forgiveness your empathy.

Thank you for loving me at my best and at my worst.

We’ll get through these times Frankie because we have each other and Jen to look after us, as we both gradually lose the urge to merge.

For now we will continue to stay home, stay safe and stay together. 

Forever Yours,

Mum x

23/05/2020